Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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