Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize