What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize