it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
