I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
