I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
