What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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