you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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