He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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