Define "chronic" masturbator.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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