That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
