I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize