Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
