Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
