So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize