Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
