She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
