I think im going to throw up on grandma
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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