Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
