you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
