I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Randomize
