I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
