Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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