i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
