i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
