I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
