Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Randomize
