She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
