i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
