in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
