Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
