i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
