She went from zero to smokin in five shots
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
