Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
