Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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