It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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