Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
