Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
