3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
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