my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
