just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize