My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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