I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
