So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
