my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize