This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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