I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
