Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
