if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
