You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
