I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
