Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
