It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
