I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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