Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
