This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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