I love black thongs
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I lost the right to judge tonight
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
