On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize