so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize