I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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