You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
