The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
