I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
