you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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