the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
