I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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